When I was on vacation I talked with someone who loves me and she asked me how I was doing. I told her really well–I have two books out, I’m writing my memoir, my husband’s job is fine, our kids are well, and at that moment I was surrounded by family and friends. What could be better?
When she looked at me long I realized she was asking about my health. I laughed and said, “oh, that. Good, good. It’s all good. My tumor markers are stable, my new diet is going well, my exercise routine is strong–it’s all good.” Then she looked at me funny and said, “but you’re fine, right? I mean, the cancer has gone.” It was my turn to look at her funny. The cancer gone? I only wish…
It’s hard to explain to anybody how this second cancer works. It’s not like the first one that got cut out and blasted with chemotherapy, radiation and Tamoxifen for five years. After that whole hell was over, the words “it’s gone” are spoken hopefully but not accurately–because cancer can come back. At any time, in any year.
Which nobody who gets cancer can focus on or else they’ll drive themselves crazy. So we “survivors” call ourselves survivors and move on to our next phases of life. But if and when the cancer comes back–as it has with me–then the new phase of life is now the next phase of life–as in forever. And it’s called “living with cancer.”
So I hugged my pal and explained all that to her–briefly and with lots of smiles and hugs. I didn’t want her to get depressed about it for me–but I think she did anyway. And she’s allowed–hell, living with cancer sounds like a drag, I know. But–I smiled to her–never fear. I am going to live long and strong with this stupid cancer, don’t you worry.
And after that we went on and talked about other things of summer, like the beach and the cocktail hour and who was taking the kids to the Candy Man store–and through it all I whispered my metastatic breast cancer patient’s mantra: I’m living with breast cancer, I’m living with breast cancer.
Which is a whole lot better than the alternative
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Ann’s books ‘pink tips’ and ‘Words To Live By’ now available in the SHOP section of this website.
