Posts Tagged ‘metastatic breast cancer’

Ann’s Diary: Isn’t it Ironic

This morning my friend came up to me and said, “I’m pregnant.” My mouth dropped open.

She’s around my age–late 40′s I would guess–and she has two kids almost grown. She wasn’t expecting to be….expecting.  I stood there gaping as she said… “all the nausea I’ve been having?  It’s the pregnancy.” I couldn’t say a word. NOT a word.  Boy was her life about to change…

“April Fools!” she quipped, laughing and rolling her eyes.  ”I’m NOT pregnant!” WHOOAAA did she get me!  I was already buying her a shower gift in my mind–a year’s supply of Geritol and Ibuprofen.

But the April-fooling was not over for me.  I went home after working out to take my usual shower before I headed to Monday chemotherapy for metastatic liver/lung/brain breast cancer. As I shampooed I noticed a tangle in my hair.  When I pulled it to loosen it, the entire clump of hair came off into my hands. My hair is falling out; chemotherapy style.

I am sure I remember doctors telling me  this wouldn’t happen, since this is a lower dose of chemo weekly than I had the first time my hair fell out in 2004. I even texted my husband when out of the shower to ask him and he confirmed that a few doctors had indeed said my hair will thin but not fall out entirely. So I checked with my oncologist but she confirmed it will fall out.  There was no use complaining. I either heard it wrong or she said it wrong. Now it is what it is.

I’m gonna be bald again.

I know losing my hair is not the be-all end-all.  I’ve done it already, I remember.  What I do know is that without hair I will look sick.  And THAT ladies and gentlemen, blows.

The best thing so far in this diagnosis is that I don’t look sick.  People can’t believe I’ve really got cancer.  That is awesome for me.  It lifts me up. It helps me stay strong.  I love being the physical representation of the middle finger to metastatic breast cancer.  Here, you big bully, look at me;  I got this–and YOU DON’T.

But as a bald woman with no eyebrows or eyelashes, I will be unmistakably SICK to the world. Sh-t.

What news to digest on this the National Trick Day of the year. The irony is not lost on me–or my hair.

 

Posted April 1st, 2013 by
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Ann’s Diary: Living Proof

To those of you who think I’m dying of breast cancer right here, right now, hear this: I’M NOT.

To those of you who worry that I will die of breast cancer some day, hear this: STOP IT.

To those of you who aren’t sure how you feel about any of this but are sure of one thing, and that is that I ain’t no quitter and you love me, I say this:
HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

And to you who don’t know WTF I’m talking about, I say this:

trauma in life, no matter what form it comes in, changes everybody. And if you’re one of the people being changed by someone else’s trauma, I advise you to connect with the fear you’ve got inside you and deal with that first before you head anywhere else.

Fear is the enemy. Fear is the life-sucking sound from which to block our ears. Premature death, devastating divorce, illness, sadness, pain–whatever it is, it’s made stronger and more virulent by fear–our fear. Why did this happen? Who’s to blame? Will it happen again? Will it happen to me? And before I know it, I’m down the fear slide of life, the one that ends in the playground of darkness. Screw that.

Please please please, don’t fear. Be strong. Be hopeful. And if at all possible, be happy.

All the rest will happen as it happens–and none of us knows what that is. And we don’t have to know. We can’t beat it out of the universe before the universe is ready to give it up–that’s crazy, and futile. What’s within our power is our attitude. Fear can’t touch attitude. In fact I think fear is afraid of attitudes–the positive ones, the ones it can’t smother in doubt and sadness.

I live for the happiness that I create when I push away fear and allow relief and joy to come through. Sure I get scared, sure I feel nuts, sure I panic–but then I let it go. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day, and I’ll be damned if I lose tomorrow, or today for that matter, to panic.

I’m here to tell you that the absence of terror has created an abundance of joy for me each day as I battle my way through metastatic breast cancer. At this point in my life that’s a pretty damn good trade off, and I highly suggest it to anyone out there in need of an emotional lift. Remember, if anyone in this world is living proof that fear is the enemy, it’s me…

emphasis, of course, on the word living.

Posted August 13th, 2012 by
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