Ann’s Diary: F-You

One of the worst things for me about being a cancer fighter is the mind game that happens when I try something to beat off the disease and it doesn’t work.

And I’m not just talking about actual medicines–chemo, radiation, Femara, Tamoxifen etc.–I’m also talking about the alternative things that pockets of people around the globe claim cured their cancer.

I’ll be honest–if I read a success story about someone who went vegan and beat off their cancer, I’ll go vegan. In fact, I have. If I read up on people who claim–and have done studies to boot–about dairy making their tumors grow, I’ll drop dairy. And I have dropped dairy.

And then there’s white sugar–which everyone reminds me is what they mix (I don’t know if it’s actual white sugar like from the store but it’s some kind of sugar compound) with the radioactive blah blah that they shoot me with every time I need a PETscan. A PETscan determines where exactly the cancer is in a body at any one time–and the sugar/chemical mixture helps seek it out because “cancer loves sugar”. So there’s a no-brainer: ix-nay on the ugar-shay.

So here I am: vegan, no white sugar, no dairy–but I cheat a little, like on my birthday or when someone makes me a whoopie pie–but for all intents and purposes, I’m dancing as fast as I can to all the cancer DJs out there placing the next “cure-your-cancer” MP3 playlist on my cancer Ipod….

and here I am: still with cancer. And it’s not getting any better. At all.

And frankly, I just want to say F-YOU to the whole friggin thing.

Then I go to to the ethereal “cures”–the ones where you must concentrate on letting go of bad feelings. The ones where you have to let stuff from the past stop bugging you. I’ve been doing that and feeling really good about it. I’ve been telling people what I can and can’t handle–and there’s been stress around it, and hurt feelings–but ultimately I feel as unburdened emotionally as I’ve ever felt in my life…

and STILL the freaking cancer hangs in there.

So I get to this make-myself-crazy place where I think: okay, do I just suck at getting rid of cancer? I mean, I’m no meat, no sugar, no dairy, no bad juju in my world–what more am I supposed to do? WTF is this all about?

But I have a secret weapon. I’ve had it since I was diagnosed 8 years ago. I call it the F-YOU spirit. And it’s what’s keeping me going. I WILL NOT let this disease take me. I don’t know why this is happening, I don’t know where I am going with all this, but I WILL tell you one thing–

I’m not going anywhere.

Comments

Posted September 10th, 2012 by
anns-diary-f-you
Posted in: Ann's Diary
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2 Comments

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Melody-Higgins-Saleh/1224654784 Melody Higgins Saleh

    I applaud your courage, your tenacity and most of all, your honesty! I know how you feel; every day, a new challenge, a new threat, a new enemy to beat back. When I’m feeling especially stressed with all this medical crap, I lay back, close my eyes and imagine my white blood cells are an army. They all have this really cool, kick-ass armor, super-sharp swords and they ride on beautiful white stallions. They seek out and clobber all the nasty bad cancer cells. Obliterate those suckers! Then, like the Carol Burnett show, little cells come out wearing pink aprons, pink scarves on their head and while singing, sweep up all the dead evaders. I do this for however long it takes, to start smiling and feel as if I have the edge on these suckers.

    BTW, you didn’t say anything about giving up gluten!! ;-) Love you GF – keep up the GREAT fight!!

  • ann

    oxoxooxox Mel–thank you so much. It means everything to have you out there.

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